Talk Given in Kingsbury Ward Sacrament meeting 9/20/2026
Based on a study of the General Conference Talk-Eternal Marriage the Enduring Journey– Elder Neil A. Anderson
Let’s start with some cliche’ marrage advice and you tell me with a thumbs up or down what you think of it- I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from 25 yrs of marraige…
Never go to bed angry – total baloney, get some sleep your probably both just tired.
Spend 90 minutes a week talking to each other minimum. Ideal yes, always plausible maybe not- but in this day of communication options pretty doable. 90 minutes isnt enough for us, if we spend ten minutes discussing each child were already over it.
“Don’t forget the little things” -Pretty good advice. More importantly don’t forget the little people, the children.
“Love is a choice not just a feeling” Pres. kimball said he loved his wife but he could hate her tomorrow if he stopped choosing it.
Put your spouse first (great advice as long as you’re not about to wet your pants, then use good communication as you run past them to the restroom.)
“Don’t try to change each other” YA. It won’t work. Only the Lord can change some things!
“Compromise”– Compromise rarely ends up being equal and almost always ends up being the same party on the short end, particularly if one of you is blessed with more negotiation skills than the other. If that’s you, and you have the gift of strategy- Like the sons of Mosiah you should aim to be harmless, and counsel together to find good solutions you both are on board with.
“Happy wife happy life” uh no. Totally patronizing. Women are not children needing a pacifier, and if it’s obvious we’re upset it’s probably because (of something you’ve done haha jk) something needs fixing, not a bandaid to keep the peace.
A few years ago we decided to take our kids on a journey of sorts… Sean was doing a lot of work up in Cour de alaine so we thought we’d tag along on one of his work trips and bike the hiawatha trail. We had heard it was a great experience for other families so we started planning.
The pictures of the trip looked so cool- high viewing vistas, a 15mile trail that was mostly downhill and some cool train tunnels to ride through along the way.
Not all the kids had bikes so Sean sourced decent bikes off facebook and some of the boys invested in their own mountain bikes.
He put 22 new tubes in all the tires and planned for mishaps with extra tubes, patch kits and slime, he surprised me with a facebook ebike!:) (I wasn’t offended, I didn’t think I’d make it either)
I covered the details like helmets and headlamps for the tunnels, snack duty (no small feat) finding a hotel room that had floor space for 10 kids sleeping bags, and getting bus tickets to ride the bus back up the 15 miles to our car when we were finished.
Patting ourselves on the back for our amazing teamwork we loaded up two cars, a uhaul full of bikes, a topper full of sleeping bags and headed north!
The seven hour drive only took us nine, spirits were high!
Trail ride time was estimated at 2 hrs and the last bus ride back was 5pm. Arriving at the starting point, now we were REALLY proud of ourselves! Actually getting our whole group in the car at the time we had planned to was unprecedented. We arrived with 4 hrs to ride the trail.
I have no patience, this isn’t news to anyone probably, especially when there’s fun to be had!As we unloaded bikes I was quickly annoyed with Sean’s meticulous details.He insisted on every tire getting another air top off, and most annoying of all loaded an entire tool kit onto the back of my bike where the snacks were supposed to go.
“What about the snacks?!” I had visions of five hangry boys going through my head, children limping dramatically across the last threshold back to the car… barely making it, needing sustenance… “ok ok! He said taking all the snacks and waters in his backpack.”
And with that compromise we headed into the first tunnel.
It was all fun and games until the temperature dropped swiftly and it got pitch black. I’ve never been somewhere that dark before, there was absolutely no light at all except from our small lamps. My bike had the brightest light so I led out Sean keeping us safe in the back.
I’m claustrophobic and had not anticipated how this darkness would feel so suffocating. There were deep water ditches on both sides of the tunnel for water flow but they didn’t help much- the trail was very very wet. The first tunnel is about a mile and a half long. We talked a lot through the tunnel, calling out to check on each other and moving forward as swiftly as we could, but we had to go slow, it was so slippery. It was all I could do in my rising anxiety not to ride too fast, but I had already been teased relentlessly for being on the princess bike so I kept my speed in check.
Finally we emerged. Feeling the sun and warmth and light was incredible but we were shocked to see each other completely covered in wet oozy mud. Everyone (except me because I was in front and apparently the only one with a back fender over the tire) was drenched. Both from the spray of the person riding in front of them and the kick back from their own tires, the kids were all the same color. We laughed our heads off, took pictures of the mud coating Canon’s eyelashes and began our descent.
I rode up and down the line checking on kids and keeping them ten feet away from the 1000ft cliff. All the while absolutely stunned by the views.
After a bit I caught up to Howie and Luke in front and we stopped to wait for the rest.
Sean has been known to stop and smell the roses so I assumed that was what he was doing and I not-so-patiently waited. After a while I realized this was not a picture taking pause, this was a “there’s-a-problem” pause so we rode back up the hill to find him. He was trying to change a tire, but I had all the tools. He needed the tools I had! I had been the delay, not him. Humbled I was more patient while he fixed the tire (that he had literally JUST PUT new tubes in the night before) and we were on our way again. Within the first two miles he had replaced 4 sets of tires and used all the spare tubes.Now our time window was getting a little tight to make it to that bus.
We watched many people pass us at first and then, even worse, no one else was coming down the trail.
Emi’s brakes stopped gripping, Canon’s seat was coming loose… now we were cutting it really close- But we had strong kids, strong riders- we can do this…
Riding faster, not as much stopping for pictures and instead hollering “would you look at that!!!” as we passed amazing views, or “don’t hit that deer!” as they wandered across the trail around us.
In the end Sean had replaced or patched 11 out of the 24 tires and acquired more than a few “busted knuckles”… we arrived at the bottom of the hill in the nick of time to catch the last bus- much to our relief we loaded bikes and climbed on for a restful ride up- but relief was not to be had!
The driver had a comfort level with the cliff-side road made the rest of us extremely UNCOMFORTABLE. We found ourselves squealing around corners and narrowly missing the cliff edge multiple times.
At last, The bus dropped us off right in front of the wrong end of the tunnel… I had failed to see that we would need to ride back through the beginning tunnel to finish the journey. Back through the tunnel we went, this time much colder as we emerged with the sun going down arriving at the cars as drenched in mud as we had ever been.We looked at each other assuring ourselves we had just had a fun time right? …Right?… too soon to answer that.
Needless to say, it didn’t go like we thought it would. In spite of our counseling together, careful planning, high enthusiasm and great expectations.
But I think If I asked for a raise of hands, everyone could say that about their lives, for sure about our marriages. “I saw that going differently.” One of the biggest contributing factors to the difference is often our spouses. That’s for better and sometimes for worse haha.
Today I want to talk about the better.
Men and Women were created differently. And thank goodness or we would have been using granola bars to patch bike tires…
“Joseph Smith taught the plan of happiness is one of interdependence, not independence.“
So, we come together and marry and are sealed in Holy Temples where our eternity together begins and it’s just beautiful…we covenant to give ourselves to each other and to receive each other.
We make a covenant with each other and with God-no where else does God command us to cleave to anything else but Him- except here in this sealing ordinance.
So you start to think, this is the highest and best step! How did I get here? I was just so grateful that Sean didn’t know how crazy I was- I wanted to get to the temple before he figured it out:)
That day I’m thinking how lucky am I, how did I get here… and it took me back. Remember your baptism- to the first time you entered into priesthood power and a covenant relationship with God. How those baptismal covenants gave you the opportunity to practice sacrifice and obedience, we were washed clean and in that clean state we were given the gift of the Holy Ghost… and it prepared you for the gift of power that we would receive in the endowment.
When we got old enough we went to the temple and we were washed clean again and anointed and in that sacred holy place, we received the endowment.Full of blessings and promises and direction- Direction on how to have enduring joy, how to submit your will to God and align your desires with His will and truly how to give yourself up to become something better- something more.
And all of it was to prepare to go to the highest and holiest room of the temple, the sealing room, and enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage.
This time we enter together and kneel humbly across an altar and hold tightly the hand of the person we’ve chosen in symbolic remembrance of the power of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The power that will enable us to repent, the very power that enables us to keep the covenants we are making!
In sacred symbolism we covenant to give ourselves up, our independence and our selfishness, our aim is to serve and love the other and to RECEIVE their service and love (as imperfect in its application as ours is) with joy and grace.
We hold hands and we ask God to make us worthy of each other as we give the only thing we have, our will, to each other and to God. Everything we have committed to do with God in the endowment now comes full circle as we commit to obey the same laws of sacrifice and consecration to each other.
Then we go outside and take pictures until our faces hurt from smiling… and get to the real work.
We go with this person, the person we picked, whose differences were so attractive to us, we go out into the world and we try to make something together. A life, enduring love and a family. We begin the work of becoming one, the work of knowing each other and allowing ourselves to be fully known- as scary as that can be.
Then we endeavor to prove over and over that we can be trusted with all this sacred information, that we can have all this knowledge about someone- know all their best and their worst and know how to make them happy and mad.
We learn how to serve and love and we also learn how they can be hurt the worst… and then, oh so carefully we protect and serve and receive each other, fully known and imperfect...and we are very careful with this knowledge and education we are getting because now we can either protect and serve and love that person better or we can use it to do great harm.
So we go forward proving to each other and to God that we are trying, becoming and loving all the while leaning so heavily on the principles of faith and repentance. Faith in God but also faith in each other, repentant to God and repentant to each other… and endeavoring to be worthy of that trust that is placed in us.
None of us are perfect and this process can get very messy, BUT thats when we learn how to talk to each other. Really talk. Jordan Peterson said “conflict delayed is conflict multiplied…” meaning you work out the problems when they happen or you work out bigger problems later.
There is a large dose of patience needed in marriage (especially when one of you drives as slow as Sean does haha) so there’s a fair amount of letting trivial things go, but in general, if something happens more than a few times it probably needs to be worked out. The motivation to work these things out is high because we believe that this arrangement is eternal!
We can have the same argument everyday for eternity or we can figure out what needs to change and only have the same argument for 5-6 years or maybe 40-50 before we’ve worked it out well enough to move on!
When I was considering how this little vacay (if you can call it that, more of an “experience”) illustrated the enduring journey of an eternal marriage, it felt fitting that we came into it with enthusiasm and high expectations and high love and lots of planning! There was nothing else we could have done to prepare for the trip, truly-
We strapped on our helmets, turned on our headlamps and headed into the unknown… There are so many moments of muddy tunnels we can’t see the end of and cold temperatures, arguments about what to pack and where to go. But then we get on the trail and we see how much the other person has brought to the relationship.
I can’t grip very well, I have rheumatoid arthritis and it hurts- putting on a new tire requires a fair amount of hand strength and with one set of busted knuckles I’d be down for the count. Sean had also totally empowered me to do what he knew I would want to do, what most moms want to be able to do- just take care of the kids!
His ebike gift made it possible for me to outrun the boys on their bikes so I would always know where they were and could keep the front end from overpowering the back end (if you know what I mean.) It kept us all together. On the other hand, Sean didn’t even know there was a bus or that we needed passes until we were on the trail… I had done all that legwork. I was super impatient with the delays, and then super humbled to see it was my fault that we were held up
A 15 mile downhill jaunt that should have taken an hour or two turned into a 4hr ride full of problems and constantly stopping to fix things and a lot of patience.
But you know what else there was?
The most incredible views.
A lot of joking around together in all that downtime.
Tons of great pictures!
And a huge appreciation for each other.
My admiration for Sean’s skills increased exponentially as the problems got bigger and his creativity to solve them matched it. I watched him teaching the kids how to fix it and maintaining patience through the whole experience. As I watched him I tried to match his patience level (hard to do under anxious circumstances!) and enjoy the time together, even though it wasn’t going as I had imagined it.
This story is one-sided because it’s my experience with him, but I am pretty sure he was really happy to know we wouldn’t have to ride 15 miles up the mountain in the end, especially since we were literally out of supplies to make any more repairs.
Studying the Old Testament this year has given me so much insight into great marriages- my favorite example being Adam and Eve. Two people trying to figure out how to obey the Lord commandments as well as they could, but doing it differently. Adam by not taking the fruit and Eve by taking the fruit! It was at this point that they finally talk about it and see that they were aligned in their desires but executed differently, they counseled together to decide what to do next and when faced with the choice between death (eating the fruit and embarking on the mortal journey) and divorce (staying in the garden alone)- Adam chose death! A true love story.
Subsequently the Lord taught them of the atonement and blessed them BOTH with priesthood power when he married them in the garden before their exile into the love and dreary wilderness.
A lot of marriage experts say that communication is key but i think its more important to counsel well. This can literally be the HARDEST PART of marriage. Having the hard conversations and staying in the discussion, even if you have to schedule time for that discussion to be picked up again later.
Sometimes trying to wade our way through these hard conversations and see eye to eye may feel like an impossible dream- the lyrics to that song describe this battle really well-
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach
To follow
No matter how far
To fight
To be willing to march into Hell For a heavenly cause
Thankfully it IS a HEAVENLY CAUSE- and we can together call upon God for His help in navigating these sometimes intense and laborious discussions with honesty and care. When we have come out the other side of these experiences we are better for it NO DOUBT.
The difference between a counsel and a discussion is the participation of all parties speaking honestly using Christlike communication in both methods and message towards an end result, a unified solution.
Men are called and created to provide, preside and protect. The word preside used to really bother me- it bothers a lot of women because in most cases women already have the vulnerability of depending on their spouse for protection and a living- if a spouse exploits that power and then dominates by presiding the way the world defines it (heavy handed dominance or being THE “decision maker”), it can be a very scary place for a woman to be.
We learn that in the order of creation, each thing was created to serve the following creation. Water and land were created to support the plants and vegetation that came after, the plants and vegetation to support the things that were created after- animals birds and ocean life, all here to sustain and support the next creation of God, the creation of Man- which in turn was created to support and sustain woman in her incredible, vulnerable and sacred job of maternal care.
She’s created from the half of the man (not the rib like we’ve learned all our lives,(In the ancient Hebrew text, the word that is rendered rib never actually means rib in any other translation of the word. The translation of rib came from the Greek syncophaint. If you trace back to the root word originally used in the text you will find the word Tsela- tesla means corresponding half or one side of a pair. So the match to the pair) The woman is created to bring forth life (There is nothing more vulnerable than a brand new mother and infant baby.ALL things created in support of the family.
So a man has been called to preside- what does that mean? Sean described it to me as being the sherpa- a sherpa is the last hiker, the logistics manager, the party that ensures the safety and well being of all around him. In administration of the priesthood, the power is annulled when used in effort to gain personally. Or as the D&C says- “Amen to the priesthood of that man!”
Elder L. Tom Perry
“There is not a president and vice president in the family, The couple works together eternally for the good of the family- they are on equal footing.Indeed being the “Boss” or the final word is not proclamation based presiding, it is the antithesis”
The family operates under the patriarchal order of the priesthood (this is opposite of the patriarchy, a dominant version of leadership in the world)Under the patriarchal order both the husband and wife possess the same priesthood power by virtue of their covenants. This is the same order that governs the heavens.
Different in church administration because we live in a mortal world and this is temporary to the organization and governing of the church HERE ON EARTH is the ecclesiastical order, which does have a defined leader but within that a good example of Christlike presiding could be
The Bishop who presides over this meeting- not to have the final say and tell everyone what to do, but to make sure the sacrament is administered correctly and with proper authority that we might all partake of the ordinance, to sit where he can observe the congregation IN ORDER TO SEE THOSE HE SERVES and be open to the spirit teaching him who to seek out and minister to, to serve his ward family and to facilitate repentance when needed. If he is counseling with his ward council and RS pres EQ pres correctly there will rarely be a decision made that isn’t unanimous.
The quorum of the twelve have set the example here- making decisions together that rarely depend on the judgement of one man but of careful counsel from all so that when the leader has made a decision, all are blessed by it.
From my observation of great marriages I have seen around me, the roles we are called to fill become perfected the closer we personally get to God. As we each individually progress towards a Christlike nature (which comes largely from what we learn from each other in our marriages and families) we become the most Christlike version of ourselves.
We see this in the way the Savior used his power. Never to self serve, always in the service of those around him. “With love unfeigned “ He was perfectly meek and perfectly confident before God.
The most beautiful witness I have ever had of Sean’s love for me is hearing him in prayer counseling with the Lord- expressing gratitude for me and our sealing covenants that bind us together, repenting and seeking to know how to fulfill his role better in repentance. I have loved him most when he has willingly forgiven me for the injuries I am responsible for.
A few pieces of marriage advice we were given that have blessed us:
-When offended, assume the other person did not intend to hurt you. Assume the best unless proven otherwise.
-Be willing to do something your spouse enjoys even if you don’t. We need to find things we enjoy doing together but it’s rare we will find something we both enjoy equally- besides going out to eat, we both love that equally. Your spouse wants to play pickleball and you don’t love pickleball? So what! Get out there a love BEING WITH THEM.
I’ve enjoyed watching my parents’ marriage all my life- I’ve seen them argue, cry, get frustrated with each other and have to work out big problems. I have also seen the mutual love and respect reign. A special memory is the daily greeting when my dad came home from work- he would lean up against the kitchen counter and she would lean on his chest and they would kiss a sweet kiss hello and he’d wrap his arm around her and they would just talk like that for a bit. It was a very common occurrence…so incredible for children to witness this kind of attention But they have really had fun since they became empty nesters- while my mom still loves to park on the opposite end of the parking lot just to drive my dad crazy and he loves to take the long route home even though that drives HER crazy… mostly I just see them trying to love each other better and better. I called them one day to find out they were at a matinee movie at 11am… and they were dying of laughter realizing they had showed up in matching sweats- They spent last thursday driving up into the mountains, he loves to fish and she loves to kayak so they fished and kayaked all day, had a picnic and watched the stars come out and then came home to sleep in their own bed because they are old. Marriage Goals.
-John ByTheway describes being on this church tour with a group and having this one woman who was always talking about how great her husband was. So much so that it got a little annoying, everytime she had a chance she would talk about Jim this Jim that…
but then John met Jim and found out that Jim was a really pleasant guy to be around! He was kind, he was funny and he made everything around him fun. No wonder she talked about him all the time! We can be that spouse. We might have to work to become someone that’s fun to be around, but who better to work towards that goal for than the person who has taken a chance on us for the rest of eternity?
As Sean and I talked about this journey, enduring journey (which can sound a little depressing if its mainly endured…) he pointed out that if we are willing, the Lord will qualify us. That is really hopeful for us, eternal happiness in marriage can feel like a lofty and overwhelming goal as mortals depending daily on repentance and forgiveness… but God gives us high expectations so we know where to aim.
And then he took D&C section 4 and instead of missionary work applied it to marriage, with a few liberties taken I will share it…
Now Behold a marvelous work is about to come forth among all the children of men (who enter into the new and everlasting covenant)…Therefore, all ye that embark in the service of God (what better service than to each other?) see that ye serve him (and each other) with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God (and each other) at the last day.
3 Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work; (the work of salvation the work of eternal family, the work of enduring happiness)
4 For behold the field is white already to harvest; and lo, he that thrusteth in his sickle with his might, the same layeth up in store (THE GREATEST BLESSINGS WE CAN IMAGINE!)that he perisheth not, but bringeth salvation to his soul; (The Lord will qualify us! He prepares the way, He alone can change us)
5 And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.
6 Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.
7 Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Amen. (these blessings are available to all who seek them, whether in this life or the eternities.)
I pray that Heavenly Father can help me overcome myself, my own weaknesses and lack of understanding, the natural man in me that leans towards impatience and selfishness.
It’s going to take an eternity for Sean and I, no doubt, but I am grateful for the marvelous work that I know God can do with us, through us, sometimes in spite of us and mostly the miracles he can work IN US.
